It was broken
The sound of two
swings in the dark was the only thing that broke the silence. One of
them ceased its rhythmic squeak and regressed into a jumble of
dissonance as its rider jumped off and scampered up a jungle gym.
The other swing
continued though. A listless sound too loud for silence but still too
silent to be someone really riding the swing.
Ulf sat the
swing, and Yukio had climbed the jungle gym like some monkey.
“Proud now?”
Yukio said.
Ulf could hear
the despair in his voice. Funny
that, why should you
feel despair? Of
Valentine there was only minutes left. Ulf ate his chocolate. It was
dark and bitter,
just as Christina had promised. An
espresso would beef up the taste another notch.
“Urufu? Why,
just why did you let it go this far?”
That voice again,
like a hurt kid. Make
that a double
espresso. He had gotten
used to that taste again. A
cigarette even, but those are banned for teenagers like me these
days. So no smoking. It's
a filthy habit anyway.
“Man, you know
you could get back to her and apologize.”
And Yukio just
kept on whining. Sure would have tasted well though. Back in
the days he could have had a smoke. Could even have chatted with his
high school teachers about the pros and cons between different brands
of tobacco. Back when he knew nothing.
“If you beg her
like the damn dog you are she might just reconsider.”
Despite his
absurd suggestions Yukio was still his best friend. It's
just a piece of chocolate. No bid deal, Yukio.
Valentine wasn't even an
event back then. Still wasn't in Sweden. Stupid
event. Why keep the male part of the student body on their toes in
anticipation of chocolate?
“Man, she's the
best thing that's happened in your life here. You said so yourself.”
It was great
that Yukio had at least
identified when a girl was good news
or not. Eight
months. Has it been that long? Funny. Will it take longer before I
look with interest at another girl?
Good thing he hadn't allowed her entirely under his skin. And
that's a lie.
“Urufu, damn
you! You're less than you can be without her. Don't you understand
what you're losing?”
There it was
again, the whiny voice. One should not
sound that way if one wanted
to be strong. Loss. It's
important not to become that vulnerable. No one wants to feel loss.
That's why one needs to keep a distance.
So why was he crying right now? He had kept that distance.
“Look at
yourself! You're pathetic! You've loved her since the day you saw
her. Just admit it! Why the hell couldn't you admit it to her?”
And Yukio just
kept on yapping. Feelings, always feelings. The kid overflowed with
them. Love?
That's the only thing Ulf
couldn't afford. And those
tears shouldn't be there. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel
this infinite loss.
“Urufu! Man!
Look at you!”
Ulf wiped a
handful of tears from his face. Then he turned his face upwards and
roared.
Fear from May
until today, love from June until today, the safe feeling of being
two from August until today, the memory of bodies intertwined from
December until today, a Christmas shared but no New Year's Eve.
Christina, whom
he loved beyond reason.
It all came out
in an endless scream of guilt and shame and pain.
It was after
midnight, February fifteenth.
It was broken.
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